by Alexandra Zeitouni
Living in a boarding school raises interesting questions about sexual intimacy between students. One issue that has been quite controversial at my school recently is that of parietals. Parietals, or intervisitation is the procedure for hosting a friend of the opposite sex in one’s dorm room. At my school, one has to ask the house parent for permission, and keep the door open and lights on. As well, it is specifically stated that parietals are not for sexual intimacy.
Since parietals were originally intended for opposite sex visits, how should boarding schools deal with same-sex relationships? According to the Concord Academy (my school) handbook, “For those in open same-sex relationships, the school expects that students will follow the same guidelines that everyone else is following. The school expects students who are not “out” to follow the same guidelines short of requesting permission from the house parent on duty.” Even though the school has included the section about same-sex parietals, there are some issues surrounding their solution. First of all, parietals rules exist based off of the premise that students will engage in sexual or intimate behavior in the dorm rooms. They are also based off of the premise that there is some sort of attraction between those of the opposite sex. Therefore, why should someone who is homosexual be allowed to have anyone of their own sex in their rooms, even if they are not in a relationship with that person, just like anyone straight would have to get parietals with anyone of the opposite sex. Second of all, since those who are not yet out don’t have to ask permission for parietals when they are in a relationship with someone and are just expected to follow the rules on an honor system, the reality is that not many people will. In fact, I am aware of multiple occasions when people in same-sex relationships have used the dorm rooms for sexual intimacy.
I have heard many complaints on the issue, yet these arguments don’t seem to get anywhere. While many complain that these rules are unfair, there doesn’t seem to be a set of rules that would work any better. You can’t ask an openly gay guy not to have other guys in his room, especially since he is living in an all guys door and he most likely has a roommate. Also, it is only fair to respect the privacy of those who have not yet come out and trust that they will follow the parietals guidelines. So what does this mean? Clearly, our society is still operating on a system built for heterosexual relationships. Rules are then amended or altered to include homosexuals, but our society doesn’t function in a way that makes all of these rules make sense. Most boarding schools, such as Groton and Holderness don’t even discuss same-sex parietals in their student rule books. While my school is still adapting, the reality is that society just isn’t fully prepared to deal with issues surrounding homosexuality.
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I am curious about your tone as the narrator. It seems as though you are sensing an inequality between the homosexual and heterosexual orientations - in which, based on your keen awareness of same-sex couples have used the dorms for sexual intimacy, homosexuals have the benefit. Furthermore, you seem frustrated and perplexed by the policy: I see the conflict: if an openly gay person is inevitably surrounded by boys in a boys dorm or girls in a girls dorm, could openly-gay people be forced to have parietals whenever they are in their room with a person of the same gender? Such circumstance becomes complicated when a gay person's roommate is male. Furthermore, attempting to apply equal parietals to heterosexuals and homosexuals by automatically giving homosexuals single rooms raises another form of inequality within dorms. I see a separation of sex and sexual orientation here. You "zoom out" by mentioning that society is not "fully prepared to deal with issues surrounding homosexuality"- how would society become more prepared to deal with issues surrounding homosexuality? How would such society differ from ours today?
ReplyDelete- Alexis
I think that this passage sums it up: "Clearly, our society is still operating on a system built for heterosexual relationships. Rules are then amended or altered to include homosexuals, but our society doesn’t function in a way that makes all of these rules make sense." The Clinton administration had an infamous "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gay soldiers in the military. It was a public relations disaster. Conservatives hated it because it was too tolerant. Liberals hated it because it failed to be openly tolerant. There are similar difficulties in trying to create policies around gay marriage vs. civil unions. Very thoughtful blog!
ReplyDelete- Erik
I really like the topic you have chosen because I never had given much thought to it sense their are no boarding schools in my area but before coming to CITYterm I wondered about this very topic. I was curious as to how school dealt with the rules and boundaries that homosexuals would have to follow even though they are living with the sex they are attracted to because it would be deemed completely unacceptable for two students of the opposite sex to live with each other even if they were not attracted to each other. I agree with your statements about our society just not being totally prepared to deal with these sorts of situations. But as schools become more and more liberal in their thinking towards dorm situations by factoring homosexual roommates verse heterosexual will gay males room with females and vise versa for lesbians and straight males? Do you see our society ever getting to that point?
ReplyDelete-Ansley
This was very interesting and brought up an interesting point that I'd never thought of before. This is definitely a difficult situation for the school because people of the same sex obviously have to share dorms. I wonder if people in homosexual relationships have a problem with these lack of rules or if they feel like they have more freedom because of it. I think the biggest issue in this situation is that there is nothing at your school officially acknowledging same-sex relationships, which is definitely forgetting an important part of your school's population.
ReplyDelete-Amelia
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered what boarding schools do about people in same-sex relationships, especially roomates in a relationship. Its a tricky subject balancing between trying not to discriminate and trying to retain equality of limitations. Personally, if I were someone important on the school board, I would have no idea how to approach this issue, other than to say sexual intimacy in the dorms of any kind is against the rules. Then you get into the problem of "its okay as long as you don't get caught" mentality . . . I guess there's no easy answer to this. It will probably take more time, maybe even another generation, to fully sort this out.
ReplyDeleteahhh I keep forgeting to write my name. that was Alicia above.
ReplyDelete